Carry on Jeeves ..er..I am still forwarding you all my Mails...no! sorry - I'll not forward my males....actually I have none to forward !
The Hype created regarding Bird FLu -
I do not know whether this is true -
its just to inform you !- Click Here - for .pdf forward i received via email .
GREAT
ONES!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to
report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she xplains
her situation to the dispatcher: "They've stolen the stereo, the
steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!" she cried.
The dispatcher said, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way."
A few minutes later, the officer radios in. Disregard." He says.
"She got in the back-seat by mistake."
FAMILY
Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together. One night the
96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells to
the other sisters, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"
The 94 year old yells back,
"I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs
and pauses "Was I going up the stairs or down? "The 92 year
old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters.
She shakes her and says, "I sure hope I never get that forgetful,
knock on wood."
She then yells, "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see
who's at the door."
"I CAN HEAR JUST FINE!"
Three retirees,
each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked
to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
SUPERSEX
A little
old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home.
As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say "Supersex..
" She walked up to an elderly man in a Wheelchair Flipping her gown
at him and she said, "Supersex." He sat silently for a moment
or two and finally answered,
"I'll take the soup."
OLD FRIENDS
Two elderly
ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared
all kinds of activities and dventures.
Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week
to play cards.
One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said,
"Now don't get mad at me" .
I know we've been friends for a long time but I just can't think of your
name!
I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it.
Please tell me what your name is.
" Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared
and glared at her. Finally she said, "How soon do you need to know?"
SENIOR DRIVING
As a senior
citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he
heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard
on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on Interstate 77. Please
be careful!"
"Well," said Herman, "It's not just one car. It's hundreds
of them!"
DRIVING
Two elderly women were out driving in a large car - both could barely
see over the dashboard.
As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection.
The stoplight was red, but they just went on through.
The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself , "I must be losing
it. I could have we just went through a red light.
" After a few more minutes, they came t oanother intersection and
the light was red again.
Again, they went right through.
The woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been
red but was really concerned that she was losing it.
She was getting nervous. the next At intersection, sure enough, the light
was red and they went on through. So, she turned to the other woman and
said,
"Mildred, did you know that we just ran through three red lights
in a row?
You could have killed us both!"
Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh! Am I driving?"
Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girl roommate Sunita.
During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious. Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye. Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."
About a week later,
Sunita came to Kumar saying,"Ever since your mother came to dinner,
I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she
took it, do you?"
"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure."
So he sat down and wrote : Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner. Love, Kumar.
Several days later,
Kumar received an email from his Mother which read :Dear Son, I'm not
lying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita, and I'm not saying that you 'do
not' sleep with Sunita. But the fact remains that if she was sleeping
in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.
Love, Mom.
Lesson of the day .... Don't Lie to Your
Mother...especially if she is an Indian!
Arrested for laughing! This is from an actual trial in the UK
A young woman who was several months pregnant boarded a bus. When She Noticed a young man smiling at her she began feeling humiliated on Account of her condition. She changed her seat and he seemed more amused. She moved again and then on her third move he burst out laughing..................She had him arrested.
Then the case came before the court, the young man was
asked why he acted in such a manner.
His reply was: When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing
she was pregnant.
She sat under an advertisement, which read: *'Coming Soon: The
Gold Dust Twins'.*
I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving advertisement, which
read: *'William's Stick Did The Trick' *.
Then I could not control myself any longer when on the third move she sat under an advertisement, which read: *'Dunlop Rubber would have prevented this accident.' *
The case was dismissed........!!!
Dekh tere Insaan ki halaat kya ho gayi Bhagwaan - Abhi tak badla nahi Insaan !
(Indian Thives have not changed a wee bit since eons - so the citizens are being more careful now !)
Protecting preciously from the rain !
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. She looked out the window and yelled to her lover. "Quick jump out the window". My husband's home early!!
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets "It's raining out there!"
"If
my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied.
He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun. The rain is the least
of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual Marathon.
So he started
running alongside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his
clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could.
After a little while, a small group of runners, which had been studying
him with some curiosity, jogged closer?
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked."Oh yes!"
He replied, gasping in air. "It feels so wonderfully free."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
"Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Nope." said our friend "Just when it's raining."
A Quick Personality Development session folks - a good email attachment that I forward to all of you readers !
BEST
SMS OF THE YEAR:
How amazing!! - A mother makes her son "INTELLIGENT" in 20 years,
but a girl makes him "STUPID" in 2 mins.
Second Best:
Arguing with a girl is like wrestling with a pig in the mud. After some
time, u realize that u r getting dirty, but the pig is actually enjoying.
Third Best SMS:
Boys go to college to develop the mind, girls go to college to catch them
before this happens.
Just another day's work for Dennis Hwang (Hwang Jung-moak), a 23-year-old Korean computer artist in the United States , who has been drawing the face of Google for almost two years, creating a buzz of sorts with his simple yet witty designs.
With its seemingly magical ability to produce the most relevant search results, Google is already an established destination for the Internet savvy. Recently, Hwang's creative logos have been expressing the playful heart of Google behind the impressive technology.
For Piet Mondrian's birthday, Hwang transformed the "Google" logo to emulate the artist's signature style of utilizing colorful blocks. Claude Monet's birthday saw the logo turned into a dreamy watercolor, complete with floating lily pads.
Hwang recently spoke with The Korea Herald to give his take on the artistic side of the popular Internet search engine.
The Korea Herald: How long did you live in Korea as a child? What was it like?
Dennis Hwang: I was born in Knoxville, Tenn., but moved to Korea when I was about five years old. My hometown was Gwacheon where I had a very normal childhood. I went through public schools like everyone else, spending six years at Gwacheon Elementary School and two years at Munwon Middle School. Actually, much of my ideas and style stem from the time I spent during my childhood in Korea. Whatever challenges the logos bring, I can often rely on the little doodles that I used to do in school when I was young. Something that used to be frowned upon turned out to be my greatest asset.
Herald: When did you move back to the United States?
Hwang: I came back in 1992 when my father received a Fulbright Scholarship to research in the United States.
Herald: What was it like going to an American school all of a sudden?
Hwang: I was placed in a public middle school but was completely unprepared for it. I didn't speak a word of English. For the first six months, I couldn't communicate with the teachers or students. With the help of ESL programs though, I got better. My father returned to Korea, but my brother and I decided to continue our education in the States. My parents have made unimaginable sacrifices for us over the last 10 years, and I wouldn't be this successful without their support.
Herald: What was the first logo you designed for Google?
Hwang: Google had been using outside contractors to do the earlier logos, so the first project I got was modifying the Fourth of July logo in 2000. The two founders, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, wanted something more fun, so I redrew parts of the image. The next logo was for Bastille Day, which is the first logo I did from scratch.
Herald: Which letters are your favorite targets for manipulation?
Hwang: Understandably, the "O" and the "L" are the easiest to deal with. The "O" has become a Halloween pumpkin, a Nobel Prize medal, the Korean flag symbol and the planet earth. The "L" has been used as a flagpole, the Olympic flame cauldron or a snow ski. The first "G" is the most difficult to deal with, and I don't think the "E" has gotten much action because of its location.
Herald: How did you come to do the Korean Independence Day logo?
Hwang: Google makes a big effort to recognize holidays that aren't necessarily mainstream. The Korean Independence Day logo was seen globally by tens of millions of people. Numerous Korean-Americans wrote to thank us on Aug. 15 last year. Many expressed how proud it made them to see the Korean flag.
Herald: Do you have plans for other Korea-related logos in the future?
Hwang: I'll definitely to a special logo for Korea hosting the World Cup.
Herald: You're only 23 years old. What are your future plans?
Hwang: Who knows? It's very important to me that I can work both technically and artistically. Google is a perfect place to do that. It allows me to have a programming job while letting me express myself artistically, with the added bonus of having my work be seen by tens of millions of people in a single day.
Herald: What is your favorite letter among the ones found in the word "Google?"
Hwang: I've stared at the logo for so long and so often. I love them all equally.
My poor 'Software Programmer' sons also know how to sing - this is an example :
Project No.9211 : Server Down
(based on movie Taxi no.9211)
kisi
ka error, kisi ki exception,
kisi ka bug, kisi ki tension,
yahaan pe programmer ki har khushi,
rupaiya hai ya dollar hai ya pound,
hey server down, down......
hey server down, down......
hmmm
kitna kitna, kitna kaafi hai kisko bolo
uske jitna, apni salary ko aise tolo
sabka dharam, ki kam na ho rakam,
saare sapnon mein sikko ka sound,
hey server down, down....
hey server down, down....
(la
la la la....)
oh yeah
chikni,
chikni, meri noto ki chamdi chikni
tikni, tikni project hai inke dum pe bikni
skill hai naram, to khayega zakham,
tera bug tester ka found,
hey server down, down....
hey server down, down....
kisi
ka error, kisi ki exception,
kisi ka bug, kisi ki tension,
yahaan pe programmer ki har khushi,
rupaiya hai ya dollar hai ya pound,
hey server down, down......
hey server down, down......
The Further ,The Better ?How Fairy Tale stories End - A Story !
This 80 year
old woman was arrested for shop lifting. When she went before > the
judge in Cincinnati he asked her, "What did you steal?"
She replied, "A can of peaches."
The judge then asked her why she had stolen the can of peaches and shereplied
that she was hungry.
The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can. She replied
6.
The judge then said, "I will then give you 6 days in jail."
Before the judge could actually pronounce the punishment, the woman's
husband spoke up and asked the judge if he could say something.
The judge said, "What is it?"
The husband said, "She also stole a can of peas."
That was Smart indeed !
Sardar of Ontario, Canada was going up to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. Sardar opened the back door to go turn off the light but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
and he said "no". Then they said that all patrols were busy,
and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along
when available. Sardar said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30,
and phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now cause I've just
shot them all." Then he hung up.
Within five minutes three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an
ambulance showed up at the Sardar's residence. Of course, the police caught
the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to Sardar: "I thought you said that you'd
shot them!"
Sardar said,
"I thought you said there was nobody available!"
Our Twisted Minds
A first-grade
teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of her students
the teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade.My sister is in
the third-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the
third-grade too!" Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's
office.
While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal
what the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the
boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go
back to the first-grade and behave.She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed
to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it
went with every question the principal thought a third-grade should know.
The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can
go to the third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.
Can I ask him ?" The principal and Boy both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two
of?
Boy, after a moment "Legs."
Ms Nee lam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious
and contains thin whitish liquid?
Boy.: Coconut
Ms Neelam: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?
The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer,
Boy was taking charge.
Boy.: Bubblegum
Ms Neelam: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and
a dog does on three leg s?
The principal's
eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: Shake hands
Ms Neelam: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions,
okay?
Boy.: Yep.
Ms Neelam: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.
I get wet before you do.
Boy.: Tent
Ms Neelam: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.The Principal was looking restless, a
bit tense and took one large Patiala Vodka peg.
Boy.: Wedding Ring
Ms Neelam: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow
me, you feel good.
Boy.: Nose
Ms Neelam: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.
Boy.: Arrow
Ms Neelam: What word star ts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot
of heat and excitement?
Boy.: Firetruck
Ms Neelam: What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u dont
get it u have to use ur hand.
Boy.: Fork
Ms Neelam: What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men
than on others, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?
Boy.: SURNAME
Ms Neelam: What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots
of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love ?
Boy.: HEART.
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,
"Send this Boy to College, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"